It’s Okay to be Selfish: Setting Boundaries
Do you know what I love? When someone asks me if I’m busy. It’s a big, fat yes. Here’s the thing: it’s okay to set boundaries around your time so that you can focus on something important—like finishing that manuscript you’ve been meaning to write or spending time with your partner. But if you’re going to do it right, here’s how:
Stop being a people pleaser.
People pleasers are often the ones who put other people first. They feel guilty when they say no to others and think they must be nice to everyone. Others can easily manipulate people pleasers because they want so badly to please others that they don’t set boundaries or deal with conflict healthily.
As a result of these behaviors, people pleasers can feel resentful, exhausted, or angry toward their situation (and maybe even toward themselves). These feelings can lead them down an unhealthy path where they stop being themselves and start trying too hard to please everyone else. It’s not uncommon for this behavior to spiral out of control until you’re eventually giving up everything that makes life worth living for someone else’s happiness because it seems more important than yours.
When do you need to set boundaries?
You need to set boundaries if you feel that the needs of others are overshadowing your time and thoughts. Does your partner make your plans without asking you what you want? Are you getting enough rest or exercise? Are tasks being dumped on your shoulders without warning? Set boundaries when feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities. For instance, ensure that everyone knows they can only ask for more work if there is a valid reason for needing it done urgently (such as in an emergency). It’s essential to look after yourself by setting boundaries around how much time you spend working out, sleeping, and eating well.
Get comfortable saying no.
Saying no is an essential part of setting boundaries. Saying “no” when you need to say “no” is not selfish—it’s necessary and will make your life easier.
Here are a few tips for how to say no in a positive way:
Start with something positive when you tell someone you can’t do something. For example, “I’d love to spend time with all my friends, but today I’m busy working on my project.” Or, “Thanks so much for asking me to go camping this weekend! Of course, I would love to—but this weekend isn’t going to work.” There’s always something positive behind saying no; try focusing on that instead of dwelling on the negative feelings that might come up (like anger or guilt).
Be honest about why the answer is no without making excuses or blaming yourself for being unable to attend or participate in an event or activity (e.g., “I have other plans” or “I already have plans with someone else by then”). You’re allowed to say no without explaining.
Identify your non-negotiables
It’s essential to know what your non-negotiables are. You may have specific things that are 100% non-negotiable in your life. For example, if you need to be home by 2 p.m., you should let people know, so they don’t schedule meetings with you at 3 p.m. Other examples include:
Time spent with family on the weekend
The amount of sleep I get each night
Setting aside time for fitness or working out
You have to learn to be selfish to grow.
To be a genuinely great friend or family member, you must learn to be selfish. Here are some ways you can do that:
Be selfish with your time. Learn to say no and set boundaries for yourself so that you can focus on the things that matter most. If someone wants your attention, tell them when they should get in touch with you instead of just saying “Sure!” every time they call or text without considering whether this is a good time for both parties involved.
Be selfish with your money. Make wise financial decisions based on what makes YOU happy—not what everyone else expects from you or expects you should do with your money (like buying a house). Don’t let anyone tell you what’s right or wrong regarding your finances; if they don’t support your decision-making process, then maybe they’re not worth having around.
If you’ve been a people pleaser for most of your life, it can be challenging to start setting boundaries. But to build a fulfilling and rewarding life that aligns with your values, you must learn how. Setting boundaries is not always easy, but it’s worth doing because when we don’t set them ourselves, other people will do it for us—and they might not have our best interests at heart. We can only control ourselves; therefore, it’s up to each one of us to create the lives we want by being strong enough or even selfish enough to say no when necessary.
